oye maricon, ven pa ca’ !
hey faggot, come here!
this is what your homeboy calls you to belittle you maybe not belittle you cause you’re his boy but to son you,
fag! you say and you play along
I stand on the sidelines trying to tell myself it doesn't bother me
trying to be stronger than I think I am
but for what?
why do I have to deny myself the fact that I am suddenly triggered
I'm comfortable with myself right
but something about that hurts
I stand on the sidelines trying to figure out which one of the two hates himself more when an undeniably fine man walks by. who freezes? who hesitates? who forces him self to look away?
(you still look though because the inate human in you recognizes beauty- beauty for what it is, an appeal and stimulant to the senses but you remember gender, the toxins in you prohibit any healthy physical appreciation for another man.)
Which one of your boys drinks his pain away blurs the gay away cuts the fag away to move the hetero way
your boy knows that he knows nothing at all and that scares him you know nothing at all you don’t know how to handle a gay man and honestly who can blame you blame machismo right masculinity, patriarchy and a stubborn father whose temperament spoke to you in fists and embraced you in screams or a complete absence and lack thereof but the blame falls on you when you turn the other cheek
when you forget when my existence becomes a joke when the erasure death torture exclusion dehumanization of my fellow queer siblings around the world goes ignored
let me repeat that,
when all it really is
is love. Tu pana se asusta al enterase que me gustan los chicos your boy gets shook when he realizes i’m into guys because I don’t “scream gay” because I’m “not like the rest” because “tu eres tranquilo”
you are calm
little do you know how far a gay joke can go little do you know what this is like
constantly trying to figure out which parts of yourself you should and shouldn't reveal every time you find yourself in a new crowd
putting your comfort above mine like a shy flower hiding under shadows that are not my own
constantly being somewhere between too gay and not gay enough
too quiet and passive
more feminine than masculine
too feminine than masculine
Internal conflict Insecurity Hesitation
even when you're being your best self
little do you know what it is to exist in resistance.